Skip to main content

Hopes and Dreams and Baby Things

I'm going to be a grandma!
I love babies, and toddlers, and children, and even teenagers most of the time. 😆 I've spent my whole life surrounded by children! My nickname is the Baby Whisperer! I mean, this is going to be awesome!
What an exciting time for us, filled with hopes and dreams and baby things!


Tiny shoes for tiny feet. 
Tiny mittens for tiny hands. 
Tiny diapers for tiny bottoms.
Tiny clothes for tiny humans.
Tiny everything!

I started thinking right away of how to rearrange my home to MAKE WAY FOR GRANDKIDS! What contraptions would I buy so that everything doesn't have to be lugged over when they visit? I began checking all the local resale sites for the big ticket items I knew we would need. I even started buying $10 Target giftcards here and there so that I would have money saved up to spoil the baby when it arrives. ðŸ‘¶ðŸ‘¶ðŸ‘¶ðŸ‘¶ðŸ‘¶ðŸ‘¶ðŸ‘¶

Then we discovered something was wrong with baby.
That was a hard day.
Watching my daughter deal with the knowledge that this baby might not make it is one of the single hardest things I have ever walked through. As a mother, I want to make her world safe and happy. But I could not save her from this. And I couldn't really even share the burden - because nobody can really share the burden of a mother knowing her child is fighting for its life.

We cried out to God to save this sweet baby, we asked friends to join us in prayers for a miracle, and we clung to fragile hope and tentatively began to plan all the "what ifs" we could imagine.

Over the next few weeks, we stifled the urge to buy those tiny baby things as the risks of miscarriage tried to overshadow everything, and the experts seemed to hold out such little hope for a positive outcome. Additional testing revealed a chromosomal abnormality, but not the fatal ones we were so afraid of that are fatal. We were delighted to be presented with the best case scenario at this point, after so many weeks of so little optimism from doctors! This baby could live!

But things are still frightening.
The things that are wrong are still high risk. And baby is still fighting for her life!
I'm a really practical person. Early in life, I learned to weigh everything, plan as much as possible, and stuff emotions until I absolutely have to deal with them. I hope for the best and plan for the worst, as I wrote recently here on my blog.
Yet today, my heart cracked again when I heard my daughter say when offered free baby things for her tiny blessing, "we don't know if we'll have a baby at the end of this."

Friends, how awful to spend every moment with a life growing inside you, knowing it could be wrenched away by some biological anomaly? How horrific to want to hope and to dream and to buy all the baby things and know that it might not be part of the plan?

I have miscarried. And it was awful. But it was sudden and spontaneous, and I didn't know anything was wrong until it happend. I didn't spend weeks bonding with the tiny person inside me, dreaming of life as a mother, while also wondering if the baby would survive. All at the same time, moment by moment, twisted together trying to steal my joy.

So for now, we aren't buying tiny baby things. We aren't scheduling the baby shower or registering for gifts. We are hoping and dreaming of a beautiful blessing hanging on to life against the odds. And I guess we will buy the tiny baby things when that time comes. God willing.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How Has Homeschooling Affected My Life?

Well, homeschooling IS my life, so suffice it to say, there's no stone unturned!  Massive takeover, at times, a bit hostile!! For example, my second child was getting ready to embark on Mother's Day Out and my first child was conveniently ensconced in a Government-run "educational" facility, and I had a glimmer of real freedom... for about a day.  Then I found out I was preggo with Baby #3.  Commence Meltdown. I have since gotten over that traumatic , er, beautiful time, and we have embraced homeschooling.  The freedom never came, the oldest got pulled from Uncle Sam's Brainwashing Academy, and the second offspring never entered a public school.  The third will not go away to preschool. They go with me to the doctor.  This, they do not love.  Neither do I. ( Mommy, why is she putting that there?? ) Alas, it is our lot in life... at least until the eldest is of babysitting age. They go with me to the grocery store.  This, they love occasion...
3 comments
Read more

Health Care in the USA

Well, it is time for another political rant, so depending on your standing, you may want to mosey along.... Health care in the United States is apparently in need of an overhaul.  There are few who disagree.  However, the method of that overhaul is in question.  Many would like to use their power in government to take over health care.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are calling it a reform , but it is really just a takeover . So, okay, let's evaluate. Your company, which you have worked for your entire life, is losing money.  It is still afloat, but it isn't doing as well as it could.  You have a couple of choices as a member of the voting board of directors : you could vote in favor of a reevaluation of what is working and what isn't, what rules are already in place that aren't being followed that would benefit your bottom line, and what people in your company are beneficial and what people are detrimental, then you could weed out things and people who aren...
2 comments
Read more

How Do I Know What To Teach?

One question we all seem to ask (or at least wonder about) when we are thinking about homeschooling or we meet someone who does for the first time: how do you know what to teach?   For me, it was " How will i know what to teach? " I believe this to be a valid question because it stems from genuine curiosity and it is mixed with a touch of doubt, generally self-doubt, so it is a fair concern. Traditional Answer: buy a reputable curriculum and follow it to the letter.  As you get the "swing" of things, you will be able to supplement or skip pieces.  This is a valid answer, but it didn't fit our style around here, so.... Less Common Response: learn about whatever the kids are interested in!  What could be more fun than learning everything from the world around you rather than textbooks!?!  Also a valid answer, but it was a bit too loose for me - i am still struggling with my self-doubt too much to lean too heavily on unschooling (as this method is often called)...
1 comment
Read more