Have you ever seen a shrub that was shaped so many times that it no longer looked attractive? Or a hack-job on a tree or bush that was clearly outside the realm of what would be the natural growth pattern of that particular plant?
We used to live in a little house that was over 20 years old when we moved in, and the original owners had planted holly bushes in the front of the house between the walkway to the front steps and the house. At one point, it probably looked great nestled into that spot, just under the living room windows. Sadly, by the time we moved into that house, the shrubs had been cut down to fit into that space so many times that the bushes had bare spots where greenery didn't grow anymore and the stalks of the shrubs were thick, rough... and highly visible. From the street, it looked like dead patches. But we, as the tenants, knew better. We lamented those bare spots every time the holly bushes got a trim - which we needed to keep up with per the landlord and the boundaries of the front walk and the living room windows.
When I purchased my first shrubbery for my first home, I went to the nursery and looked at all my options. At times, I would ask about a particular bush or tree - and I would always inquire about the plant's expected height and width at full growth. The nursery worker was surprised and said how many times people buy what they like and say that they will just "cut it back to the size and shape they want" forever. That made me incredibly sad! That particular tree or shrub was meant to grow a particular size and shape, and by perpetually cutting it back, it actually gets uglier as time passes and the roots and stalks and branches continue to thicken and grow to support what would otherwise be a larger tree/shrub. Eventually, it will be cut down because it either is too ugly or it will become diseased because it isn't healthy anymore.
So, I never bought a tree or shrub that was going to grow to be larger than the area I wanted it to live in, and I never trimmed more than was necessary. This drove my landscaping neighbor bananas at times because I didn't want him to cut back my laurels as much as he was trained to do, and I never wanted him to trim my gold-mops. It was a hilarious battle between us each year, and he was delighted when we had to trim it all up to put the house on the market. Score 1 for the landscaper! :)
But as I raise my teens, we have dealt with a variety of issues, and we have talked to other parents about many of those issues, and it has occurred to me that many of us view our role as parents in much the same way the average person views bushes: I'll just prune them how I like them - forever.
Friends, over-pruning is a sad reality - for shrubs, trees, and teenagers. We want them to have room to grow, but only inside the boundaries we are comfortable with. We want them to spread their wings, but only within certain safe places. We even encourage them to step outside their comfort zones, but often only within the zones of our own comfort.
I'm not saying it is altogether wrong to prune and shape your teen into their proper place. God calls us to be the gardeners in charge of our young sprouts! It is a most honorable calling, and not one to be taken lightly. But God also knows our children best. And He has a plan for each young person's life. And here's a secret: we may not know what that plan is!
I know, I know. That's probably why we over-prune! We over-prune out of fear.
Fear that this child is going to be hurt.
Fear that this child will turn away from our wisdom.
Or worse yet: fear that this child will turn away from God's wisdom.
Yes, we want to protect them. We want to control all the things so that we can keep them safe! I get it! I really do!
But here's what I believe: if we spend so much time and energy cutting our children's branches back, will they reach their full potential? Or will their growth be stunted? I have personally watched my children learn really tough lessons because of the freedom I have given them. That hurts. That hurts in a way that is altogether different than my children getting hurt despite being on the job, protecting them, keeping them safe. It becomes so personal, and the guilt can choke me! But they tell me they wouldn't trade those lessons even to avoid the pain of what they went through. They tell me how much they appreciate the room to make some mistakes and figure things out on their own. They tell me how much it means to them that I respect them enough to let them challenge the safety of our little bubble.
And let me be clear: I'm not talking about 5-year-olds. I'm talking about teenagers. Teens who have been raised to know the truth, to understand the consequences of their actions, to have a handle on what is expected of them. Young people who are almost to adulthood and need some practice within the safe and forgiving bounds of teenage-dom, and within the loving environment of home.
So when you are struggling with a decision to let go of the reigns a little bit, I want you to picture that mangled tree or bush that was pruned beyond it's prime, left to eventually be dug up and thrown away because it no longer lived within its designated purpose or it got sick and died. Is that what we want for our teens?
"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." - Proverbs 22:6
We used to live in a little house that was over 20 years old when we moved in, and the original owners had planted holly bushes in the front of the house between the walkway to the front steps and the house. At one point, it probably looked great nestled into that spot, just under the living room windows. Sadly, by the time we moved into that house, the shrubs had been cut down to fit into that space so many times that the bushes had bare spots where greenery didn't grow anymore and the stalks of the shrubs were thick, rough... and highly visible. From the street, it looked like dead patches. But we, as the tenants, knew better. We lamented those bare spots every time the holly bushes got a trim - which we needed to keep up with per the landlord and the boundaries of the front walk and the living room windows.
When I purchased my first shrubbery for my first home, I went to the nursery and looked at all my options. At times, I would ask about a particular bush or tree - and I would always inquire about the plant's expected height and width at full growth. The nursery worker was surprised and said how many times people buy what they like and say that they will just "cut it back to the size and shape they want" forever. That made me incredibly sad! That particular tree or shrub was meant to grow a particular size and shape, and by perpetually cutting it back, it actually gets uglier as time passes and the roots and stalks and branches continue to thicken and grow to support what would otherwise be a larger tree/shrub. Eventually, it will be cut down because it either is too ugly or it will become diseased because it isn't healthy anymore.
So, I never bought a tree or shrub that was going to grow to be larger than the area I wanted it to live in, and I never trimmed more than was necessary. This drove my landscaping neighbor bananas at times because I didn't want him to cut back my laurels as much as he was trained to do, and I never wanted him to trim my gold-mops. It was a hilarious battle between us each year, and he was delighted when we had to trim it all up to put the house on the market. Score 1 for the landscaper! :)
But as I raise my teens, we have dealt with a variety of issues, and we have talked to other parents about many of those issues, and it has occurred to me that many of us view our role as parents in much the same way the average person views bushes: I'll just prune them how I like them - forever.
Friends, over-pruning is a sad reality - for shrubs, trees, and teenagers. We want them to have room to grow, but only inside the boundaries we are comfortable with. We want them to spread their wings, but only within certain safe places. We even encourage them to step outside their comfort zones, but often only within the zones of our own comfort.
I'm not saying it is altogether wrong to prune and shape your teen into their proper place. God calls us to be the gardeners in charge of our young sprouts! It is a most honorable calling, and not one to be taken lightly. But God also knows our children best. And He has a plan for each young person's life. And here's a secret: we may not know what that plan is!
I know, I know. That's probably why we over-prune! We over-prune out of fear.
Fear that this child is going to be hurt.
Fear that this child will turn away from our wisdom.
Or worse yet: fear that this child will turn away from God's wisdom.
Yes, we want to protect them. We want to control all the things so that we can keep them safe! I get it! I really do!
But here's what I believe: if we spend so much time and energy cutting our children's branches back, will they reach their full potential? Or will their growth be stunted? I have personally watched my children learn really tough lessons because of the freedom I have given them. That hurts. That hurts in a way that is altogether different than my children getting hurt despite being on the job, protecting them, keeping them safe. It becomes so personal, and the guilt can choke me! But they tell me they wouldn't trade those lessons even to avoid the pain of what they went through. They tell me how much they appreciate the room to make some mistakes and figure things out on their own. They tell me how much it means to them that I respect them enough to let them challenge the safety of our little bubble.
And let me be clear: I'm not talking about 5-year-olds. I'm talking about teenagers. Teens who have been raised to know the truth, to understand the consequences of their actions, to have a handle on what is expected of them. Young people who are almost to adulthood and need some practice within the safe and forgiving bounds of teenage-dom, and within the loving environment of home.
So when you are struggling with a decision to let go of the reigns a little bit, I want you to picture that mangled tree or bush that was pruned beyond it's prime, left to eventually be dug up and thrown away because it no longer lived within its designated purpose or it got sick and died. Is that what we want for our teens?
"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." - Proverbs 22:6
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