I have offended my parents. Not my intention. I am not angry, resentful, or condemning at this stage of the process; the forgiveness happened years ago with the help of the Lord.
I just want to be able to break whatever chains are binding me to negative behaviors and unhelpful relationships. I want to look at my grandchildren some day and know i gave them the best hope for parents that i could. I want to use what God has brought me through to help others. I do not believe that God allows suffering for the sake of suffering; He has a purpose for this pain He has led me through.
I told my therapist a few weeks ago that according to statistics of my childhood traumas, i should be living on the streets, selling my body, and addicted to heroin. He asked me why i think i'm not. I told him that God carried me. I believe that with every fiber of my being!
This week has been hard: i have been down the paths of the past in the hopes of discovering places that i can change negative perceptions and habits and make them healthier. I have rediscovered the pain of abandonment, the shame of molestation, the fear of the adults in my life that i should have trusted. I have reconnected with the child who spent several nights in a strange bed, crying herself to sleep, feeling abandoned yet again. I have re-experienced the pain of an alcoholic parent who tries to commit suicide in my presence, the terror of hiding in a bathroom while a drunk man tries to break in to kill my mom, and the sadness of having the only person left that i trusted...turn her back on me.
As far as therapeutic, that remains to be seen, but it has certainly been exhausting.
I leave this entry with one final thought: if you are waiting to begin your journey to healing, i urge you to begin! This path may be painful, but it is the only way to cleanse the wounds that have been festering. And believe me, you may not feel it, but the wounds do fester.