Sunday, September 19, 2010

Recipe for Weight Loss

Okay, first off, i am not a dieter by nature.
Second, no, it isn't because i am a toothpick who can eat 2 Whoppers with fries and sit in front of the computer all day sipping calorie-laden soda and never gain an ounce. (those women should be force-fed carrot sticks until they turn orange... just sayin')

Finally, i have not EVER in my life been on a diet that was a true diet in the sense that i was dieting to lose a certain amount of weight.

Still tracking??

Okay, that said... i have found the P-E-R-F-E-C-T recipe for weight loss, quite by mistake.

First, let your house get really messy.  I mean messy, folks, not 20-minutes-to-good-as-new!  I'm talking, we had a nuclear bomb go off in the house, followed by a small tornado, then the closets all barfed their contents... messy.

Next, schedule an appraiser to come estimate your home's current market value... in a sink-hole-of-a-housing-market era... so that you can take advantage of the astronomically-low interest rates (did i mention the housing market was crashing??)

Finally, use toxic chemicals you have never before used in combinations never before envisioned to scrub, scour, and whisk away the dirt, all while piling, storing, shoving, hiding, stowing, ditching, and stacking your crap random belongings that do not appear to live anywhere (since they have obviously not been put away since "W" was in the Oval Office).  While using said noxious-fumes-producing agents to make your house look like you never actually lived in it, feel free to break out 3 different varieties of paint and paint roughly 500 square feet of your home in 3 days... including baseboards, door trim, and dog- and toddler-gnawed corners. (oh, and you should still teach your 3 children the 3 R's, keep up with the laundry, cook 3 squares a day, water the garden, settle sibling disputes, tend to hubby's every whim, and wash dishes every day)

Yeah, i can no longer smell anything (including the above-mentioned toxic chemicals), my head is killing me from all the allergen-colonies we disturbed in our dedicated efforts to Take Back Our Home, i cannot breathe out of my nose unless i go outside and commune with the ragweed (go figure!), and i have lost a pound each day i have been doing this.  I haven't been this low on the scale for more than a blink in... well, years.

So, all that to say, if you've got a few extra pounds you just can't shake....

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