Minivan Moments

When God created each one of us, He knew us. Better than we can ever know ourselves. And some people on this earth, He made with a sprinkling of "special" dust. You always know when you have had the privilege of knowing someone with that extra something special. Because they just are Special. This is especially true in Specials who are children. Children born of adversity. Children with cancer. Children with Autism. I see them in so many forms. And when a child is Special, there's a little something different about him. A smile. A laugh. A giggle. Things that can be taken for granted in the Average Joe Juniors are quite the treat in Specials! Eye contact. Conversation. Joy. With Special children, these seemingly common, daily experiences are Events!  Events to be celebrated! And when that Special child gives you his genuine smile or delights you with his belly laugh, it makes all of the mess (for lack of a better word) that can go along with Special children...

People say " the grass is always greener on the other side ." Maybe i'm too practical, but i've not been one to fall for that. I guess i'm a realist that leans toward pessimism ever so slightly. My glass is never half full OR half empty. It just... is. You know? It has some . And that's always been enough for me. For example, growing up, i wanted out of the city and away from the cold. Too many people, too much winter, get me outta there! My parents would say, " the grass is always greener on the other side ." For most people, maybe, but not for me. I hightailed it away from the city and the cold the first chance i got and i haven't regretted it. :) Some people going through a difficult marriage or on the other side of a divorce can't wait to find "someone different" that they can be happy with because they are sure it is out there. And maybe it is, for some. But for me, i'm not interested. You see, from a distance, a dirt...

There's an old hymn called " His Eye Is On The Sparrow " that popped into my head this morning. The refrain that goes "I sing because i'm happy; I sing because i'm free" was the part that i was reminded of. Not because i was singing it or humming it, not because i had heard it recently somewhere. It popped into my head because i found myself weeping at the Christmas Story once again. And i wondered to to myself, why am i crying over this every year? And as i let that question marinade in my heart, an answer was given in the depths of my being.... i weep because i know. i know what it is like to wait for God to send help. And i know what it is like to doubt that He ever will. i know what it is like to know the pure joy of finally receiving that help. i know what it is like to face persecution. i know what it is like to suffer trials. And God sent His Son to us so that all of that might not be in vain! He sent us Jesus so that all of the hardshi...

At the beginning of this month, I received a new book from Plough Publishing House to read and review. I was super excited about this book because it was by Johann Christoph Arnold, who authored Rich In Years , which I loved! This book is entitled Their Name Is Today: Reclaiming Childhood in a Hostile World . By the title, I thought this was going to focus primarily on our fears in today's society: child abductions, terrorism, and the child sex trade. That's what I get for getting so excited about Arnold's name in the author line that I didn't read the blurb about the book. ;) However, as I began reading it, my soul often cried out "YES!" as he spoke passionately about all of the many ways our world has become hostile to children. Ways we may not think of as being "hostile" per se. Standardized testing and mass educational systems that meet no child's real educational needs (and certainly not their psychological or physical ones), as well as...

Over the past few weeks, i have learned a lot about myself and about the cycle of domestic violence. I have learned that no matter how knowledgeable i thought i was, there were always warning signs and evidence of abuse that i didn't consider or wasn't aware of. Little things and bigger things. Daily things and occasional things. One of the really profound things i learned was how often i ignored the inner voice that cried out for kind regard. The check in my spirit that whispered, "what about me?" Or the ache in my heart from words that struck deep and were never forgotten. But those whispers were always countered by the louder voice of my husband telling me what a "good wife" or a "Christian" wife was supposed to be. Or the church, without intending harm, exclaiming that a truly submission wife would not be treated badly by her husband. Or the well-meaning women who asked if there was truth to my husband's accusations about my laziness, my ...

This month, my pastor has been talking to us about the Holy Spirit. He is teaching us about being filled with the Spirit and getting our power from the Spirit. He made an interesting point the first week, and reiterated it the second: he said our problem with being filled with the Spirit is that "we leak." It got me thinking quite a bit. We tend to ask for help in times of trouble. No brainer, there. And that causes us to have a pretty heavy reliance upon the Holy Spirit to just get through the tough days. But we don't hold onto that. Life stabilizes, as it tends to do, and the bad things either get resolved or we learn to adjust and the pain eases a bit over time. When this happens, we lose sight of what we were heavily focused on before: the presence and strength of God given to us through the Holy Spirit. I've also been thinking about how we tend to react poorly in times of stress. We lose our tempers, raise our voices, make poor decisions that we later regret,...

Much like the ashes under my charcoal grill tend to swirl and lift with the sweeping breeze to be carried off to replenish the earth, i am aware that the ashes of my life are carried away for a greater purpose than i can imagine. Did you know that routine burning of plant life is a necessary component to a fertile soil? The ashes allow nutrients that would otherwise not enter the soil become available for new growth. In the same way, our lives have experiences that must be renewed... by the burning of what was so that we can establish newer, healthier growth. I am in a season of letting go of the old and watching it burn. It isn't comfortable and it isn't always easy, but i recognize it for what it is: opportunity. God uses everything, yes, everything , to stretch us into His image and manifest in us a purpose we often cannot see. And since we cannot see what He sees, it is easy to get discouraged. But He has a plan for that failed business venture, that project that you b...

Some people are addicted to alcohol. Some people are addicted to cigarettes. Some people are addicted to prescription medications. Some people are addicted to illegal drugs. Some people are addicted to pornography. Some people are addicted to love (or at least, the idea of it). I do not struggle with any of those addictions, though i have compassion for those who do. Specifically, i battle a nearly constant urge to defend myself. To defend myself against unfair accusations. Against lies. Against misunderstandings and miscommunication. God is working on my heart in this area, and i know He wants me to remain in my peace with what i know about myself, but sometimes, the urge to defend is so strong! And i have to bite my lip. If the person i would be speaking to on the matter is not open to my side, no words will penetrate anyway. Sometimes, people have to cling to their flawed views of things in order to remain in their own reality. Other times, they are believing a lie th...

Earlier this week, i noticed a frightening side-effect of my current stress: rapid weight loss. Scary weight loss. I knew my appetite was reduced, but i didn't expect to become my 15-year-old self's weight so quickly (i hadn't finished growing the last time i saw that number on the scale!)! Since i have an auto-immune condition that is barely restrained - which is easily triggered by stress - and adrenal fatigue - which is exacerbated by stress - i understandably became concerned. Fear of regressing into a full Hashimoto's Thyroiditis "flare" in the midst of divorce and dealing with the kids drove me to my friends on Facebook, where i asked for prayer regarding my stress levels and my weight loss. In typical "Be Careful What You Wish For" fashion, in less than a day, i am back up to a reasonable weight. Seriously? Since i didn't notice eating differently, don't remember feeling any difference in my stress levels, and didn't burn any a...

A week ago today, i received a reality check in the form of divorce papers, delivered by a complete stranger as a surprise to me in front of my children. Somehow, i managed to keep this secret from them and continue our schooling... that day and all of the days since. In the past week, i have experienced shock, anger, and fear, and not always just one of them at a time. Looking back on the past several days, i have to acknowledge the presence of God in my life. When i was in shock, the Holy Spirit moved my feet to "just do the next right thing." When anger rose up to choke me, the calming words of a friend brought me back to acceptance. Any time fear haunted me, God calmed my soul and whispered His words of truth to my heart. There is no explanation for the peace that comes in the midst of trials. It really is a peace that passes all understanding. But there is also no substitute for godly friends in your life. When you are facing an uncertain future, a difficult time, or...

Lately, life has been hard. I'm not going to lie about that. But God keeps showing me that it is within the depths of the deepest oceans of our lives that He lives - to strengthen us, to accompany us, to challenge us, and to grow us. I've listened a lot to the song, "Oceans," by Hillsong United, and it is my mantra these days: He has never failed, and He's not going to start now; my fears may give me pause, but my faith is greater than my fears; i am God's and anything He calls me to will build my faith because i will not go alone. If you haven't heard this song, have a listen. But don't pray this prayer unless you really want to walk upon the waters of the ocean's depths... because it is in the depths that we find the strength of God and the test of our own faith, but that is best learned through trials of this life. Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United. This morning, church was hard. It's complicated, but just when i felt bea...

Somewhere along the way, my generation lost respect for older people. Maybe we never had it. We were a spoiled generation, full of our own worth and so many complaints of the injustices of our "station" (as the youth of the day). We spent our youth scoffing at the wisdom of those who raised us, fighting against the restrictions of what was simply good sense, and creating our own reality as victims of our circumstances and our determination to overcome them. How arrogant! And now, we aren't youth anymore. And we still don't value older people. We don't include them in our lives, we tolerate them. We don't ask about their experiences, we roll our eyes when they tell "another of their stories." We don't sit at their feet and soak in their wisdom, we turn away with confidence that we have this whole thing figured out. Is this normal? Is this just us, or does every generation go through this? Will we come back around to understanding the value of ...

There's a lot going on in our world today. There are a lot of reasons not to turn on the news. Because, quite simply, there are things you just cannot unsee. And we are heartbroken for the many experiencing Genocide. No question. But i'm beginning to wonder... I've been in the trenches with Jesus. Nothing like Genocide, you understand, but in the muck that the evils of life enjoy dishing out. And i've learned something really important: i'd rather be in the trenches with Jesus than in a beautiful resort with the devil. Or even all alone. You see, unless you have experienced the soul-connecting, Spirit-filled encounter with Christ that comes in the midst of trials, you will always think, "i could never...." And, absolutely, you are right. You could never. But God . God is with those who suffer for Him. God is with those who suffer for their faith. God is with those who are persecuted because of Him. And while there is undeniably an astounding s...

This week, we had our first week of school after taking the summer off. Since i fired the teacher this summer and rehired myself as the mom, it was a nail-biting weekend of preparations, wondering if the Little Darlings would revolt against "the institution" and refuse to get out of bed or cling lovingly to the schedule of normalcy and productivity. ( Yeah, right! ) Well, i am happy to report that on Day 1, they had a successful day of positive attitudes, brain-stretching lessons, and completed assignments. Wahoo! They even asked if we could do that every . day . Um, say wha..? Yeah, so, i didn't hold my breath, but i squinted my face a little in fear as i tackled Tuesday... then Wednesday... and by Thursday, i thought, "we're in the home stretch! Will it really be this easy?" And Friday was no different. Lessons learned, books utilized, brains engaged, attitudes improved. Golly, i love homeschooling! So, i am here to tell you that it really is okay ...

This month, i did something drastic: i fired myself as my children's Teacher and re-hired myself as their mother. Let me explain.... Instead of seeing them as my offspring in whom i delight, i was seeing them as workbook pages to be completed. Instead of seeing them as my heart walking around outside my own body, i was seeing them as lessons they would fight me on. Instead of finding opportunities to connect with them in their personal time, i was seeing them as simply leaving me alone to do "more important work" while i wasn't teaching. So, this month, i fired that Teacher! She is NOT who my children need, and frankly, i don't particularly like her. Since i have fired the Teacher, i have enjoyed outings, walks, documentaries, laughter, and most importantly, real conversation and connection with each of these beautiful blessings God somehow believes i am worthy of raising for Him. It is a good reminder of my first calling, and i am grateful the Holy Sp...

We are in the process of selling our home. We have lived here longer than i have ever lived anywhere, and it took weeks to prepare a "ready" home for market (for our standards, anyway). Now that we are ready, and our home is finally listed, we are living in a sort of transitional home. We can't quite live freely in this space, but we can't move into our new home and live freely there either. We are stuck in this model home that other people can come see at any time... and i find it is exhausting in a way for which i was not prepared. It is exhausting to be afraid to cook a meal the family loves because it will stink up the house for the whole day. It is exhausting to be afraid to have friends over to play with my children because they might make a mess that is a lot of work to clean up. It is exhausting to remind my children to wipe down the entire bathroom - every time they use it. It is exhausting to stay hyper-connected to my cell phone just in case the Realtor h...

I thought this book sounded really deep. As I'm dealing with aging parents in my own life, watching my aging parents care for their aging parents, the reality of aging is never far from my thoughts. Rich in Years: Finding Peace and Purpose in a Long Life , by Johann Christoph Arnold, was a window into the aging adult beyond what I had already deduced for myself or learned about in my Sociology of Aging course in college. Can the aging adult really be at peace with approaching old age? Can there still be purpose in those later years? Arnold answers those questions, and others, in Rich in Years , and I found myself captivated by the words on every page. Just as I would proclaim a particular concept "the most powerful statement" and want to share it with all of my family members and friends, I would continue on in my reading and be gripped by yet another "most powerful statement." Just as I would thrill to the subject of one chapter (i.e., Combatting Lonelines...

This country today seems more and more abusive to me. Maybe that is how all generations feel when they approach mid-life. I can't be sure. But it feels true to me. Growing up, i experienced emotional abuse and sexual abuse. I have experienced near-physical abuse (which is basically physical abuse that doesn't threaten your life and/or isn't "that bad") in many relationships. So i know a thing or two about abuse. Some things i know about abuse: ~ it doesn't have to leave a physical mark to damage a person forever . ~ it doesn't have to be daily to have a terrible impact on the victim's ability to function normally. ~ it goes undetected nearly as often (if not more often) as it gets reported or discovered. I know one more thing about abuse... sometimes, we abuse ourselves. Sometimes, the biggest enemy in our life is inside our own head. The voice of shame. The cry of condemnation. The whisper of regret. The shout of insignificance. The clamor ...

So, it has certainly been awhile since i've dropped in to say "hello!" My life has been quite full, and blogging just didn't make the cut. Yet i've found myself longing for the creative outlet. So, here i am. :) As 2013 wound down, i began the journey of re-focusing. I believe this is a journey because it often comes with twists and turns as we adjust to life's ever-changing landscape. For now, i am focusing on Family and Home and Health. Last year, i developed side effects in my condition (Hashimoto's Thyroiditis) that complicated my lifestyle and challenged my illusion of my personal health. I had to determine that giving up eating wheat gluten was less of a struggle than the physical effects of continuing to ignore that advice. So, as i write this entry, i am one year gluten-free. It has been quite a journey in itself - gluten is a complicated matter in this country with all of its processed foods and unknown chemical ingredients. I am certainly mor...